Today's topic for Blog Every Day in May is to write about something (a person, place, thing) you miss. I didn't originally write this post for the challenge, but it seems to somewhat fit. Mostly, however, I just want to post it for the holiday.
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I've been thinking (a lot) about Mother's Day lately because, for whatever reason, I am actually excited to celebrate my own motherhood this year. I've never,
ever been happy or excited to celebrate this holiday for myself, all things considered, but I feel differently now. I feel better about it. I guess I'm finally ready to own it.
I want everyone to know that I am, in fact, a mother of four. Maybe I haven't birthed a child or raised a child, but I have created four babies and someday, God willing, I will meet them. To have created them at all means something to me. It means something for both Hub and me. It means we've done something amazing, even if it isn't here for us to share with the world now. These four little somethings are part of what has bonded us.
Together we've shared the love and passion it takes to make little miracles happen. We've experienced the excitement of realizing we're pregnant again, and again, and again. We've made happy phone calls and thought up clever ways to make announcements, including passing notes during church services and giving positive pregnancy tests as Christmas gifts. Other times, we kept it secret until the end. We've remodeled closets and discussed paint colors. We've received baby clothes as early gifts. We've known the goodness of it all.
We've experienced the gut-wrenching sadness of losing all of it. We've felt failure in this way so many times that it no longer feels like failure, but just another sad circumstance. We've felt pain in every way -- physically, emotionally, spiritually. We are parents, who have never had the blessing of meeting our children. And it hurts. It so deeply hurts. The pain never really goes away, but it gets better as life goes on.
Rarely a day goes by that I don't think of our babies. I miss them and want them and sometimes I feel angry about it. Sometimes I ask God, "Why does everyone else have babies? Even people who didn't want babies have babies. But I want them so badly, and I would be an exceptional mother, and Hub would be an incredible father. Why did we lose them?"
Of course, He doesn't answer these kinds of questions in our time. I have to remind myself that God knows best because, so far, His answer has been 'no' hundreds of times and yet my whole life is more awesome than I ever imagined it could be. And this is how I know something great awaits us, whether or not we'll be parents. Yes, it's hard. Every day it's hard, but we have faith that whatever happens has a purpose.
At this point in my life, I think lacking purpose is what confuses me most. What is my purpose? Will I ever be a mother? If I'm not a mother, am I simply meant to be a wife? Is being a good wife enough? Maybe we're supposed to adopt. But how will we know? Maybe my career will pick up and I will find greater purpose there. Maybe not. Maybe Hub's career will find purpose for both of us. In the meantime, am I just supposed to wait? If so, how long? If not, then what should I be doing to bide my time? Am I already doing it?
It's a cruel circle sometimes. I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall that I cannot seem to break through or climb or find a way around. Simply working and keeping a home doesn't feel quite right. It's close to perfection, but no cigar. I often find myself asking, "What am I doing? This is not the job I've always wanted. I'm trying to work toward my dreams, but am I actually making any headway? I love being a wife and keeping our home nice and neat and clean, but without children and someday grandchildren is it even worth having a nice, big home? Are we wasting our time?"
Self-doubt and self-worth is a big obstacle for me. I have to overcome it day after day after day. I know I'm a good person, who can do great things. I have plenty of self-esteem., but I often wonder if this is it. Will there ever be more or do I need to find my groove right here, right now? Maybe, if I find my groove here and now, that thing I've been waiting for will come barreling into our lives before we even realize what's hit us. I've been told this is how it usually works. I've had plenty of people suggest that we adopt because, "As soon as you do, you'll have a successful pregnancy. All that worry and doubt will be swept away by your precious adopted child, and your body will relax. Next thing you know, bam! you'll have two babies to love -- one adopted and one of your own. And you'll love them both the same."
I wonder if this is true. But are we ready to adopt? Do we even want to adopt? Yes and no. Maybe.
Fortunately, I have my wonderful, amazing husband to help me work through all the craziness, all the doubt. He's been my rock and my world. He makes me smile every single day, no matter what. I hope he knows how special he is and how much he means to me. He does me proud. After all we've been through together, and all we're going through, he just doesn't quit. He doesn't give up hope. He has so much faith sometimes it fills me right up to the tippy top. All I need is that promising glance, that wink that reminds me, "It's all okay, kid. We're good. And i'm not going anywhere."
So, all these things, all this mumbo jumbo is why I'm excited for the first time to celebrate the holiday as a mother. As an aunt. As a daughter. And a woman. This holiday is for all of us and all the things we are and are not. It's a day for all women, because we make this world crazy and interesting, and because God wants us here for a reason whether we know what it is or not.
Happy Mother's Day.
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Making the decision to have a child is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
~ Elizabeth Stone
I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.
~ Abraham Lincoln
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.
~ Irish Proverb
I've always been easily stressed and having a job always made it worse. More complicated. Cluttered. However, I was a working woman for so long that I basically learned to cope with my stress and let everything at home fall apart when necessary. I learned that I had to prioritize, which is often impossible. But somehow it all worked out... I think?
I've always been easily stressed and having a job always made it worse. More complicated. Cluttered. However, I was a working woman for so long that I basically learned to cope with my stress and let everything at home fall apart when necessary. I learned that I had to prioritize, which is often impossible. But somehow it all worked out... I think?
